http://www.attachmentparenting.org/forums The mission of Attachment Parenting International (API) is to educate and support all parents in raising secure, joyful, and empathic children in order to strengthen families and create a more compassionate world. The API forums are a place for AP-minded families to connect with others from around the world. en Thu, 09 Sep 2010 22:48:44 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.attachmentparenting.org/forums/cb/misc/rss.jpg http://www.attachmentparenting.org/forums http://www.attachmentparenting.org/forums/showthread.php?t=6679&goto=newpost Thu, 09 Sep 2010 16:19:28 GMT I have never used massage with my DD but have always heard of the tremendous benefits it offers to the attachment process. Touching our infants is so... I have never used massage with my DD but have always heard of the tremendous benefits it offers to the attachment process. Touching our infants is so important in the attachment process. I wanted to solidify this by quoting a passage.

“Massaging of babies decreases the level of the stress hormone cortisol and has also been shown to enhance the functioning of the immune system. An investigation into “failure to thrive” infants discovered that the mothers of these infants provided much less touch and other kinds of stimulation to their infants than those of the normally growing infants… And an investigation into infants’ attachment behaviors found the highest attachment rates in those with the most physical contact with their mothers. German researchers, comparing maternal behaviors, reported that “experience of a direct sensual and physical contact was most important” for the continued loving relationship between mother and child… These Canadian researchers also found those who received the most affection displayed the highest levels of independence as adults.

Untouched infants also become children and adults who don’t touch… American children, who receive far less attention than most others around the world, displayed 3 times more attention-seeking behavior when compared to cultures that provide high infant contact such as those in Japan and Mexico” (pg 71-72) ]]> API Reads JustPeachy http://www.attachmentparenting.org/forums/showthread.php?t=6679 http://www.attachmentparenting.org/forums/showthread.php?t=6678&goto=newpost Thu, 09 Sep 2010 16:04:57 GMT While crying is intended to be purposeful, it can also be stressful. Extended crying is physically exhausting for an infant, consuming large amounts... While crying is intended to be purposeful, it can also be stressful. Extended crying is physically exhausting for an infant, consuming large amounts of precious energy. The digestive system is impaired and tensed during crying. Coritsol, the damaging stress hormone, is released into the bloodstream and persists at least 20 minutes after a crying bout has stopped. During crying, an infant's blood pressure rises dramatically and blood oxygen falls. the return of oxygen to the brain is hindered; thus, oxygenation of the brain is diminshied. Crying also suppresses the body's immune system, decreasing its ability to fight infections and weakening its infant defenses. Moreover, prolonged crying continues to perpetuate the sensation of sadness that initiated it.

It is normal for infants to cry in response to fear, stress, sleepiness, or pain, or when they wish to request food, entertainment, or comfort. Yet, such cries, when frequently unaswered, are responsible for much of the stress that interferes with the attachment process and causes brain cell death, stress control disorganization, adolescent behavior problems, and physical and psychological difficulities in adults. Since crying is exhausting to the infant and mother, both mentally and physically, it is understandable that mothers feel the urge to answer crying quickly. A mother attempting to ignore crying also becomes quickly exhausted because she is being helplessly exposed to prolonged and annoying wails. She also becomes flooded with cortisol. Responsive parenting is best for an infant in terms of immediate safety, health, and comfort, as well as for long-termm development. It is healthier and generally more comfortable for mother, too.

(pg 62) ]]> API Reads JustPeachy http://www.attachmentparenting.org/forums/showthread.php?t=6678 http://www.attachmentparenting.org/forums/showthread.php?t=6676&goto=newpost Wed, 08 Sep 2010 23:34:25 GMT *Q: I get a lot of advice that babies and children do better if they have a routine way of doing everything, especially sleep time. Personally, it is... Q: I get a lot of advice that babies and children do better if they have a routine way of doing everything, especially sleep time. Personally, it is very challenging for me to enforce a sleep time on my baby. How important is it to have schedules and routines for sleep, food, or other activities?

A: It is best to do what brings peace and joy to you and your family. The beauty of keeping your baby in your arms is that you get to know her well; this closeness allows you to respond to her cues rather than apply external theories. Any ideas that do not come from your baby are unlikely to resonate with who she is.

You are well connected to your baby and therefore find it difficult to oppose her direction. Congratulations! Nurture this healthy attachment. There is no need for you to “attach” to ideas that oppose your baby. She is your guide. When you respond to her lead, she learns to trust and rely on herself. Self-confidence and independence are the ability of the child to rely on herself and listen to her own body and soul. American parent educator Naomi Aldort explains on The Attached Family online magazine (no login needed!)… ]]> Ensure Safe Sleep, Physically and Emotionally (and Nighttime Parenting) / Asegurar un sueño Seguro rita http://www.attachmentparenting.org/forums/showthread.php?t=6676 http://www.attachmentparenting.org/forums/showthread.php?t=6669&goto=newpost Mon, 06 Sep 2010 03:45:49 GMT Hi, I have 14 month old B/G twins. I am a single co sleeping Mum. As my twins have gotten older my nighttime routine is no longer working. Does... Hi, I have 14 month old B/G twins. I am a single co sleeping Mum. As my twins have gotten older my nighttime routine is no longer working. Does anyone have any ideas about how to get twins to sleep at the same time? If I breastfeed both then they fall asleep on me and I can't move them without waking them. At the moment I read a story put on some peacefull music and then, I breastfeed 1 whilst the other roams the bedroom and lounge (but mainly plays on the bed). But the roamer eventually wants in on the action before the first is asleep and screams. Not the peacefull bedtime routine I dreamt of. Niether of my twins is comforted by being patted or stroaked, or cuddled in this situation.They want to be on the boob and nothing else will do! I am having the same problems for their naps. Help!! Please!!!
Jay ]]> Parenting Multiples Jay9 http://www.attachmentparenting.org/forums/showthread.php?t=6669 http://www.attachmentparenting.org/forums/showthread.php?t=6668&goto=newpost Sun, 05 Sep 2010 01:43:04 GMT First time posting. Hope this is the right place. I hate my baby swing. I mean, seriously. I hate how it looks, I hate what it does, I hate... First time posting. Hope this is the right place.

I hate my baby swing. I mean, seriously. I hate how it looks, I hate what it does, I hate everything about it. But it seems to be the only place my 13wk-old daughter can sleep without me.

Up until two weeks ago, I nursed her to sleep and let her nap on me for as long as she needed, usually 2 hours. This worked fine, for her. She'd wake up happy, belly full and would happily play independently for15-30 minutes before she'd be looking for me.

I decided to start getting her to take all her naps in the swing. She will fuss and cry and break my heart and eventually fall asleep, mostly for 30 minute cat naps four or five times throughout the day. However, since then, she despises being put down alone. She no longer likes to play independently at all and doesn't like to be held by anyone but me (and for short periods, her dad).

I'm concerned that in trading in my freedom during playtime for my freedom during naptime, I have caused her to become insecure. Is this a phase or age-related occurrence that most babies go through? Or am I causing a problem for my girl? ]]> Ensure Safe Sleep, Physically and Emotionally (and Nighttime Parenting) / Asegurar un sueño Seguro MamaSheppard http://www.attachmentparenting.org/forums/showthread.php?t=6668 http://www.attachmentparenting.org/forums/showthread.php?t=6665&goto=newpost Sat, 04 Sep 2010 05:11:50 GMT The short version: Please let me know if any of you have trouble with your families wanted to be more involved and how you deal with that? What do... The short version: Please let me know if any of you have trouble with your families wanted to be more involved and how you deal with that? What do you do about criticism? Up until now I've been brushing it off for the sake of the relationship but it keeps resurfacing.

The long version: My daughter is nearly 16 mo and from the time she was born my mother has questioned my AP style of parenting. My mother returned to work when I was a month old and looked down on SAHM. We never had a real attachment. She never breastfed. My mother is afraid of emotions and says things like "you're okay" or tries to distract my daughter when she is upset.
I am a SAHM now and my mother comes over once a week to visit. I feel that she really longs to be alone with my daughter and she will take her into the other room just to get away. I have not left her with my daughter because I simply do not trust her to tell me if she was upset while I was gone. I also worry about my mother's ability to keep my daughter safe. (I don't know where to begin in this area except to say that my mom smokes cigarettes and on ocassion pot. She also lacks basic common sense and does not wash her hands before feeding my daughter. These are two examples but I could go on)
My husband suspects my mom is jealous of my relationship with my daughter. Up until now she prefers me to all other caregivers and is comforted by me when she cries.
Tonight we went out to eat with my parents. My daughter was fussing while my mom was holding her. I reached out for her to put her on my lap. She leaned into my mom. Obviously she didn't want to sit and wanted to play and I was fine with that. What really hurt was what came next. My mom looked at me with this smug grin and said, "oh you don't need mommy" and took my daughter outside to play. It was the moment she was waiting for all these months and I felt like she was being vengeful. After a while my husband started to worry about what it was my mother was doing and I went out to check on her. My mother was letting my daughter run around the parking lot. She was not letting her run out into the road or where the cars were driving but she was allowing her to play near empty parking spaces and between cars. This was a little more than I was comfortable with and so I gently said to my daughter "that's too far. let's play over here". When I told my husband he was horrified and angry and I haven't been able to sleep. THere was another point in the evening when my mom walked back with my daughter and her eyes were red. I said, "she looks like she was crying" and my husband agreed. My mom denied it. He thinks she's lying. I'm sick over it.
My mom is very difficult to approach. She is so uncomfortable with emotion that she becomes defensive if you try to talk to her. We never really have authentic discussions and my mom is still very much a mystery to me. I don't know if I should speak up or just brush it off again. ]]> Consistent and Loving Care / Proporcionar amor y cuidados constante margiesmama http://www.attachmentparenting.org/forums/showthread.php?t=6665 http://www.attachmentparenting.org/forums/showthread.php?t=6664&goto=newpost Sat, 04 Sep 2010 04:22:38 GMT my daughter is now nearly 13 months - she wakes up every 1-2 hours all night long. it takes me an hour of rocking and nursing to help her fall... my daughter is now nearly 13 months - she wakes up every 1-2 hours all night long. it takes me an hour of rocking and nursing to help her fall asleep at night (after a bath and book bedtime routine). she naps for about 40 minutes twice a day...but sometimes just once, and again, it takes me 30+ minutes before i'm able to put her down. i feel like i've done everything i can to help her: i co-slept (now my husband sleeps with her at night because 11 months of all-night nursing drove me to the brink), i've stopped letting her fall asleep with the nipple in her mouth, i pick her up when she cries - then lay her back down gently, i've tried patting, shhushh-ing, white noise, music....the works!

and now its taking a toll on my ability to be present and joyful with her - i dread bedtimes, i'm cranky when i finally get her down, and i feel like i'm spending all my time helping her sleep - or recovering from sleepless nights. i love cuddling with her and sleeping with her, but i'm even having difficulty right now appreciating our cozy time together.

she just seems to hate falling asleep! her eyelids flutter for an hour as she fights to stay awake. when she wakes up at night - sometimes she just stays up..for two hours! its incredibly cute - she babbles and wants to play, but we try to ignore her so she doesnt associate nighttime with play.

i'm starting to wonder if there is something physically wrong with her - that she doesnt fall asleep when tired and wakes up so easily and often.

i was never tempted to CIO - but i have to do something different.

any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. ]]> Ensure Safe Sleep, Physically and Emotionally (and Nighttime Parenting) / Asegurar un sueño Seguro notparsleysmom http://www.attachmentparenting.org/forums/showthread.php?t=6664 http://www.attachmentparenting.org/forums/showthread.php?t=6660&goto=newpost Tue, 31 Aug 2010 20:02:49 GMT Pg 32: The findings of attachment research suggest that insecurely attached children not only end up in poorly attached marriages and... Pg 32:

The findings of attachment research suggest that insecurely attached children not only end up in poorly attached marriages and relationships, but in turn also raise insecurely attached children. Fortunately, however, it has been shown that some adults who expore their own insecurely attached shortcomings can heal and become more attached as adults and parents. Belsky found that adults who simply have a coherent understanding of the negative consequences of their own insecure attachment, and who can remain effective parents during highly stressful situations, are able to raise securely attached children. He calls these adults "earned secures". Others have similarily found that the cycle can be broken through intellectual means. Ultimately, many heal themselves by successfully developing a strongly attached relationship with a mate or child.

Are you a "earned secure"? How long do you feel you have been an "earned secure" and how have you healed yourself? ]]> API Reads JustPeachy http://www.attachmentparenting.org/forums/showthread.php?t=6660 http://www.attachmentparenting.org/forums/showthread.php?t=6649&goto=newpost Fri, 27 Aug 2010 18:16:24 GMT I am mum to a wonderful 18mth old son. I am a teacher and am about to return to work after my summer off. Last year we were fortunate enough to... I am mum to a wonderful 18mth old son. I am a teacher and am about to return to work after my summer off. Last year we were fortunate enough to have my DS taken care of 4 mornings a week by his grandparents, and he went to a home daycare 1 morning a week (I work part-time). This year he will be attending a Montessori school 3 mornings a week, and I am terrified about how he will adjust to this (the other 2 mornings he will be at home with grandma). We have visited the school a few times, and he has seen the classroom and met the teacher. However, because it is summer holidays there as well, the class was empty and we have been unable to make a gradual adjustment to the setting for him as I was last year with the home daycare. We are going to a "meet the teacher" day for about an hour, but I will be there with him. I feel awful that I won't be able to gradually introduce him to the setting, especially because he doesn't adjust well to new settings and new people. I am wondering if anyone else has experienced this type of situation, and if so, if anyone has any tips on how to make the adjustment easier for him; I have been telling him that mummy will be going to work soon, and that he will be going to play school and I will get him after lunch. His reply to this is typically "no no no." I am scared that the lack of gradual adjustment will be really disruptive to him, and am so concerned that this will adversely affect his acceptance of the school. Any suggestions are so appreciated. Thanks! ]]> Consistent and Loving Care / Proporcionar amor y cuidados constante LLMom http://www.attachmentparenting.org/forums/showthread.php?t=6649 http://www.attachmentparenting.org/forums/showthread.php?t=6644&goto=newpost Thu, 26 Aug 2010 14:32:57 GMT On pg 31:
"Psychologists do have ways of intervening when poor attachment has occurred in a child. Before the age of 7 months, extra holding, nurturing, and availability do the trick... Fairly good results are still expected when efforts begin before the age of 7 years. These windows of opportunity also exist for the father who was not involved from the beginning."

I found this interesting and good news. What about for those families who did CIO and are now attached? Do you see a difference in the child? ]]> API Reads JustPeachy http://www.attachmentparenting.org/forums/showthread.php?t=6644 http://www.attachmentparenting.org/forums/showthread.php?t=6643&goto=newpost Wed, 25 Aug 2010 13:21:16 GMT Hi,

My DD is 23 months and LOVES being naked ... and has for a while. about 5'ish months ago, we got her a potty just to have around, get familiar with and play with. she used to sit on it in the bathroom when i'd potty. cute :) she never did anything more than sit on it and play and we never pushed anything at all with it. now she doesnt like it at all. she'll open it, maybe put a toy on it, maybe take the soft seat out ... but she has NO desire to sit on it. which is fine, but she is doing some other potty type behaviors that are interesting to me and i wanted to see what people thought ... she is our first, so I dont know!

we let her be naked whenever she wants at home and over time, she has learned that she HATES to pee and have it go down her legs. SO, now when she has to pee, she'll usually tell us - pretty cool :) and i'll say "would you like to sit on your potty" -- 'NAH NAH!" ... "would you like a diap on?" -- "Okay". we use a lot of cloth and she'll literally pee in 2 minutes, then say she needs the diap off. which i do and she's ready to roll. she usually naps naked and no accidents. She seems to 'hold' for a long time .. i dont know what is normal for a length of time? but i was surprised that it can be hours.

we also have dogs ... and sometimes when DD has to pee ... she says "need outside" ... and she pees there. so, apparently, i have housebroken her :) lol

i was thinking about buying her underwear for fun as she really doesnt like to pee sans diap. and she really doesn't care to wear a diap unless she has to pee (or poo).

i assume this is all normal and that she will eventually want to sit on her potty on her own. i'm in no hurry, just wanted some thoughts as i hope putting the diap on or putting her outside are not entirely counter-productive.

thanks! :)
~~Kim ]]> Respond with Sensitivity / Responder con Sensiblidad KaitlynsMamma http://www.attachmentparenting.org/forums/showthread.php?t=6643 http://www.attachmentparenting.org/forums/showthread.php?t=6642&goto=newpost Wed, 25 Aug 2010 08:25:25 GMT There are some things that simply drive us parents crazy: One is when your child insists on doing something that you want to do yourself. You are... There are some things that simply drive us parents crazy: One is when your child insists on doing something that you want to do yourself. You are trying to feed your 1-year-old mashed potatoes and carrots, and he clamps his mouth shut while squashing the mixture through his fingers. You finally finish dressing your 3-year-old so you can make it on time to work, only to find that she has undressed herself 2 minutes later because she wants to do it herself. And as you are carefully unpacking the groceries, your 6-year-old silently volunteers to put the tray of 36 eggs into the refrigerator. (These examples are just for starters. I’m sure you’ll think of many more)!

Another thing that drives parents crazy is when your child refuses to do something you know he can do by himself. Your 3-year-old will only eat supper if you feed her. Your 5-year old will only get dressed if you dress him. And your 7-year-old will only put away his toys if you do it with him. (Yes, there’s more).

Hard as we try to keep our composure, our frustration rises and we lose our patience. When our children need our help, why won’t they let us help them? And why won’t they do things for themselves when they can? Israeli parent educator Shoshana Hayman explains on The Attached Family online magazine at http://theattachedfamily.com/membersonly. (No login required) ]]> Respond with Sensitivity / Responder con Sensiblidad rita http://www.attachmentparenting.org/forums/showthread.php?t=6642 http://www.attachmentparenting.org/forums/showthread.php?t=6640&goto=newpost Tue, 24 Aug 2010 10:45:06 GMT Hi everybody, Posting on behalf of the lovely wife, who as we speak is (finally) sleeping with the little one. Our DD is 14 months old, co-sleeps... Hi everybody,

Posting on behalf of the lovely wife, who as we speak is (finally) sleeping with the little one. Our DD is 14 months old, co-sleeps with us, always naps with Mum, and feeds quite frequently under normal circumstances.

However, in the last couple of days things have turned a bit crazy. DD picked up a cold that DW has had for a few weeks. A trip to the doctor said it wasn't an ear infection yet, but it could turn into one. She's all blocked up in the nose and I'm sure she has a bit of a wooly head (Yes, that's a medical term!) and as a result she is struggling to feed (if she doesn't point blank refuse), and every time my wife takes her anywhere near the bedroom she starts crying, which is very much out of character.

Today she woke at 5:30am, took a nap at 10:50 for 40 minutes and then stayed up and refused to sleep until 7:30 at night, by which time she was acting very strange and looking like a zombie. We tried putting her to bed for an afternoon nap, but she wasn't having a bar of it. Decided to try for an early bed time, and the crying started. We tried pushing her around in a pram inside (would have gone outside but it is pouring rain), carrying her in a sling, taking a shower with her, and numerous attempts at feeding her. Everything made her cry, and the only thing we could do was put her back on the loungeroom floor where she would brighten up, with her eyes hanging out of her head like something out of the Addams Family. In the end it came to a head, she became quite distraught, wife took her off and basically sat with her through a massive crying fit until she finally ran out of steam, fed at the breast and went to sleep.

The wife is a very gentle soul and she really struggles with the crying, so her friends suggestion of elevating one end of the (purely decorative) cot and going for a bit of CIO wasn't going to fly. However, I think she's feeling like tonight's effort wasn't far away from that in the end. She's starting to worry that the little one might get a bit of a fear of bedtime as a result of all this.

Any suggestions? Is it better to bring things to a head and get her to sleep at the right time whatever it takes, or is it better to let her stay up until she crashes and cope with a little bit of tired thrashing at the end? Is there anything you would have tried? ]]> Ensure Safe Sleep, Physically and Emotionally (and Nighttime Parenting) / Asegurar un sueño Seguro BeachBaby http://www.attachmentparenting.org/forums/showthread.php?t=6640 http://www.attachmentparenting.org/forums/showthread.php?t=6638&goto=newpost Mon, 23 Aug 2010 20:36:17 GMT Hello all, At nap time, many times, I carry my daughter(8wks) in an up-right carrier (she recently vetoed the sling) and she often nods off for... Hello all,
At nap time, many times, I carry my daughter(8wks) in an up-right carrier (she recently vetoed the sling) and she often nods off for nap. But when I put her down in bed she is up within 20 min. Or she just kicks and whines until I take her out. In her swing she sleeps and doesn't wake up. Do you think these cues sound like she "prefers" the swing?
Thank you. ]]> Nurturing Touch / Contacto Corporal efodenheimer http://www.attachmentparenting.org/forums/showthread.php?t=6638 http://www.attachmentparenting.org/forums/showthread.php?t=6637&goto=newpost Mon, 23 Aug 2010 16:18:00 GMT Linda writes on page 29:

"... decid[ing] to use day somewhat more frequently, which may perpetuate the reduced attachment, but many of these infants end up finding attachments through day care that instill the ability to trust. Infant who repetitively lose predominant caregivers seem to suffer most... When visiting a daycare center, one tends to notice beauty and cleanliness, at least at first, but the nature and level of attention given to each child is far more important."

With this in mind, do you believe that attached parents tend to overlook finding out if the attention given to the child at a daycare center is more important than the cleanliness that Linda talks about? Do you also agree that caregiver roulette with daycare's or nannies poses a threat to attachment in children? If so, how? Lastly, if you found a daycare center or nanny in which attachment is not hindered, what qualities are displayed or actions are done by the daycare personnel or nany to foster this type of attachment? ]]> API Reads JustPeachy http://www.attachmentparenting.org/forums/showthread.php?t=6637